Waiting

Dec 09

Thursday was supposed to be the day.  For some reason, I had built it up in my mind, though I have told myself that it was what it was.  I have not been fearful, but rather, I have wanted to have some sense of closure, maybe some light shined into the strange unknown void that my physical health has become.  I’m a little bit of a control freak, can you blame me?

**********

To have been made aware of the fact that a rogue aneurysm has taken root in the LEFT side of my brain (the “good” side), after all that I have already been through, was a lot to swallow at last year’s appointment.  Nonetheless, I have been able to give it over to God this whole year, returning to a semi-blissfully unaware state despite this micro-time bomb ticking in my head, of which I was reminded of its ticking only a few times over the past 12 months.  I suppose we all live in that state to a certain degree, our bodies in a perpetual mode of wearing down, though we tell ourselves that we might live on for as long as we please.

**********

We have had a very busy week, from shooting over to Dallas for our friend’s dad’s funeral, to multiple Bible studies and holiday plans, culminating in Thursday, which had probably too many planned events for us for one day, including a rather frenetic race to make the 8am UCLA appointment with my neuro-surgeon, Dr. Gonzalez.  We arrived at closer to 8:30, then had to walk the length of a football field from where we had to park.  We breathlessly approached the check-in counter and were met with the confounding reality that not only were we not on the schedule today (despite the fact that we discussed it and wrote it on our calendar after we confirmed it with an assistant a few weeks ago) but the doctor was out of town, so there was no real way to hear the results of the MRI/MRA that I underwent recently.  For some reason, the build up, the expectation, the emotion, the fatigue, all hit me, strangely hard.  I felt robbed of a moment, of something that I deserved to know.  Now, I had no way of getting that closure for quite a while, and that created such a sense of frustration that I was left rather speechless.

**********

As Jay often does, he read my hurt and weighed whether to talk it through at that moment.  Wisely, he opted for a more visceral approach first.  “Coffee and dark chocolate–stat!”, he said, as he drove out of the parking lot.  He knows what works, I suppose.  After some sips of my precious black gold, I was ready to talk it through, but still my frustration at not having some sense of resolution for this moment that I had been waiting for, even though I may not have really realized that I had been waiting for it, struck me overwhelmingly hard.  “What if my aneursym ruptures over Christmas?”  Jay directed my emotions toward the logical, the rational — “If there was a major issues, they would have called us”, he reassured me, “Either way, getting upset is not going to help the situation or the aneursym, for that matter.  This is another chance to wait for God’s timing and to pray for healing in this specific area”.  I must say, he’s good!

**********

Though I was not totally in the mood to have to explain to all my friends and prayer warriors the anti-climactic details of my morning and why I had no news to report, I decided to go to my CBS (Community Bible Study) meeting.  Jay dropped me off, and I walked into the sanctuary to find a fabulous Christmas program beginning.  From children’s choir to scripture reading and solos, it was such a holy experience, something that my heart was in such need of at that moment.  Very soon, the parallel was not hard to make as I sat there listening to the meditation on advent: waiting for the coming of Christ.  It seems that as Christians, as humans, we are always waiting on something.  Unfortunately, few of us have much patience to graciously wait, but it’s in that process of delayed gratification that we know the Lord the most deeply, and in the end, when we find what we’ve been waiting for, the result is so much more precious.

**********

James is having one last Christmas-break hoorah before starting the harsh world of kindergarten next year, so he’s taking an early start and joining his grandparents in the South.  This year, we have been so intentional to connect Christ into James’ understanding of Christmas, so a few days ago, the three of us gathered around our dining room table and went through the meaning of the advent wreath that we were able to make at church last week.  We read the verses pertaining to the different candles, explained their symbolism, and lit them all.  James was enthralled.

The candles of peace, hope, love, and joy surround the Christ candle, waiting expectantly for that central candle to be lit.  What a simple yet strikingly beautiful picture of how we should wait for Christ’s arrival at Christmas and how we should wait for him every other day of the year too.

**********

As I left CBS, I was so struck with the picture of waiting.  Whether waiting on medical results or our spouses or at the post office or for prayers to be answered, we all must find the value in waiting.  I hope to hear from Dr. Gonzalez via phone soon, but in the meanwhile, I know that I need to wait in a way that reflects what I know to be true at the core of my being–Jesus is in control, so even if I have to wait, I will see it as an opportunity to trust Him as He works in my life.  As the advent wreath so delicately demonstrates, in ways that even a child can see so plainly, we must wait for Christ in our lives with our minds at peace, with our hearts full of love, with voices expressing joy, and with our souls centered on the hope of glory.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
This entry was posted in Hope While You Cope and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *